“The happiest couples in the world have at least 200 times of divorce thoughts and 50 times of killing each other’s ideas in their lifetime.”
Marriage falls into the mundane, and even the most loving couples will argue.
Some people are afraid of arguing, so they choose to avoid conflicts and not talk about them.
But can a marriage without arguing be considered happy?
Actually, the most important art in marriage is “arguing”.
Many people take a cold war approach, which is actually avoiding conflicts, but conflicts cannot be avoided forever.
Arguing will indeed consume emotions, but so will a cold war.
This behavior seems to avoid conflicts, but it’s actually escaping problems.
Whether a couple can stay together until old age depends on how they handle conflicts.
A good marriage is not about not arguing, but about arguing and loving more.
Can You Accept Your Partner’s Differences?
Why do couples argue fiercely over small things like “not putting the trash bag in the trash can”?
From the root, it’s because of a mindset: treating the other person as oneself.
Ignoring individual differences and seeking sameness.
After being together for a long time, they become too familiar, treating the other person as a mirror image of themselves, ignoring that the other person is an independent individual, forgetting to tolerate and appreciate their differences.
Many couples are loving during courtship, but after marriage, they argue over trivial matters.
The reason behind this is the differences that emerge in marriage.
These differences come from their respective family backgrounds, living habits, and thinking styles.
For example, some people tend to analyze rationally, while others focus on emotional experiences.
Some people like to communicate directly, while others prefer to express themselves indirectly.
These different thinking styles and communication methods can be tolerated during courtship, but may become obstacles to understanding in marriage.
Furthermore, during the romantic period, we often project our fantasies onto our partner, but after marriage, these fantasies gradually disappear.
If we cannot accept this psychological gap, trying to mold our partner into our expected image, then conflicts will arise.
The more we are disappointed in our partner, the more we cannot accept their true selves, and the more we will argue.
However, the secret to a long and happy marriage lies in mutual respect and accepting differences.
Social psychologists have found that as time passes, passion and romance may fade, but what truly maintains a couple’s feelings is their acceptance and understanding of each other’s differences.
Marriage is about living with someone’s flaws.
The highest realm of marriage is not complete agreement, but mutual acceptance.
With a mature heart, we should embrace our partner’s true selves, face and appreciate our differences openly.
Only by tolerating and accommodating each other can we truly appreciate the beauty and truth of life.
Can You See Your Partner’s Needs?
A couple with vastly different personalities and ideas argued constantly.
“I work hard to support you, and you just spend my money, but you still don’t appreciate it.”
“You need to see my efforts and sacrifices for you, and you need to learn to be grateful.”
The husband’s words were like a knife stabbing the wife’s heart.
The wife yelled, “I want you to treat me as an individual, respect me, and not just see me as someone who relies on you for a living!”
The wife craved respect from her husband, but he looked down on her from the bottom of his heart.
In the husband’s view, he worked hard to support the family, but the wife didn’t understand or appreciate it.
The essence of the argument is that we crave deeper connections and emotional fulfillment in intimate relationships.
On the surface, arguing is an emotional release, but on a deeper level, it’s a cry for unmet emotional needs.
Many couples argue, pointing fingers and blaming each other.
They want their partner to respond to their emotional needs, and when they don’t get it, they become anxious and restless.
Therefore, arguing in marriage is not entirely bad; it’s like a mirror reflecting our inner desires.
Through arguing, we can see what we’re fighting for, what our partner is fighting for, and understand each other’s needs and desires more deeply.
Rather than letting emotions accumulate, we should strip away the pretenses, express our feelings honestly, and explore the roots of the conflict.
Only then can the problem be truly solved.
What marriage needs most is “seeing”.
Seeing is an active response to our partner’s inner desires.
It makes the other person feel understood, accepted, and valued, nurturing our intimate relationship.
Can You Find a Solution?
After marriage, many people discover a truth:
During courtship, there’s always something to talk about; after marriage, there’s always something to argue about.
However, tongues and teeth will collide, and what about two people living together?
I once saw an old couple who would argue over even the smallest things:
The placement of household items, squeezing toothpaste from the middle or the bottom…
It seemed trivial, but it could spark their arguments.
But miraculously, after each argument, they would take a walk together and even buy each other’s favorite snacks.
They argued all their lives, but never thought of divorce, and they grew old together, hand in hand.
When asked about the secret to their happy marriage, the old couple frankly said:
We just say what we think, let each other know our thoughts, and then find a way to solve the problem together.
Two people living together will inevitably have conflicts, but it’s in the arguments that we can clear up our emotions and deepen our feelings.
A good marriage is not about not arguing, but about arguing and still caring for each other.
Emotions are most afraid of cold wars, like a dull knife, cutting people’s emotions and causing harm over time, eventually destroying the relationship.
Arguing is actually a way to deepen our love, a “breakthrough” in intimate relationships.
If we don’t have this “breakthrough,” the accumulated emotions and deep-seated conflicts will be like hidden time bombs, waiting to destroy our marriage.
Don’t view arguing as a bad thing; not arguing at all might mean we’ve never truly been intimate.
Gorky said, “Bad peace is not as good as good arguing.”
Good emotions are about holding hands and going through life’s ups and downs together.
When we step into marriage, we all carry beautiful dreams, hoping to hold hands and watch the sunrise and sunset together.
In marriage, arguing is not scary; what’s scary is not arguing at all.
Two people, in the midst of arguing and conflicts, will continually grind and polish each other, making their love last a lifetime.
May you have someone to share the rest of your life with, and may you ask each other, “Is the porridge warm?”