Lack of desire to share, lack of communication, and cold violence have become the unavoidable dead ends for many couples in contemporary society.
Currently, over 70% of divorce cases are due to emotional incompatibility.
Emotional incompatibility seems like a simple phrase, but it encompasses the disappointment, resentment, and helplessness many people experience in their marriages.
“Meeting a spouse who doesn’t hit you, doesn’t yell at you, but can make you feel the deepest loneliness in marriage.”
No fights, no affairs, I still want a divorce
Nowadays, couples don’t often break up solely due to economic issues.
Most people get divorced because they’ve lost hope in their marriage.
A magazine once conducted a survey: “What do you want to break free from?”
The most common answer from women was surprisingly—their husbands.
“I used to think that getting married would mean having a companion, but it turns out that I’m not even as happy as I was when I was single.”
“We used to argue and fight, but now we can’t even be bothered to argue.”
“I’ve gotten tired of talking, tired of comforting, tired of caring, tired of arguing.”
We often hear similar complaints.
“A single word, ‘tired,’ reveals many people’s disappointment and indifference towards their relationship.”
Think about it carefully—why did we used to worry so much when our partner raised an eyebrow, and why did we get anxious when they spoke in a slightly angry tone? But now, even if they’ve nagged us many times, we still don’t care, and even if they cry, we can just ignore them.
“The most heartbreaking thing is when two people who were once very close become strangers.”
From the initial affection to the current indifference, many couples only take half a year to a year to reach this point.
Because the initial excitement of love relies on hormones, which have an expiration date of about a year.
Lack of patience, poor communication, and dishonesty between spouses are the main reasons for this predicament.
What Ultimately Destroys Marriage?
Psychologist Aronson wrote a book called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that Destroy Marriage.”
It details how many marriages without infidelity or domestic violence are destroyed by these four horsemen.
The First Horseman is Cold Violence.
Like in the TV series “Ongoing,” where a city girl, Zhong Xiaoxin, and her husband from a small town have many differences.
She likes to keep cats, and he likes to keep fish; she eats bread for breakfast, and he eats youtiao….
The door lock broke, and she had to struggle to open it every time. He wanted Chen Yu to fix it, but Chen Yu didn’t care, and eventually, her beloved cat escaped through the broken door.
Chen Yu also forgot her birthday, and that was the final straw—she decided to divorce him.
She cried and asked Chen Yu: “You don’t care about the cat, the door, or me. Why did you get married?”
If one partner’s wishes and needs are constantly ignored, they will eventually stop speaking up, and the relationship will only be left with silence, ultimately leading to emotional breakdown
The Second Horseman is Lack of Empathy.
A friend shared a story about her parents’ divorce, which was caused by a small incident: her father put a cigarette butt in her mother’s favorite flower vase.
It seemed like a minor issue, but behind it was her father’s consistent lack of empathy towards her mother.
Just like when you complain to your partner about your boss’s unfairness, and they respond with “it’s not that bad.”
Or when you show them a dress you’ve liked for a long time, and they say it looks like something a country bumpkin would wear.
Or when you’re moved to tears by a movie, and they just mock you….
The Third Horseman is Criticism.
Like many women who want to say “I need you to care about me,” but end up saying “You only care about your work.”
Or wanting to apologize, but ending up saying “You’re also to blame.”
The phrase “sharp tongue, soft heart” is often misunderstood.
In a marriage, the best approach is to be soft-spoken and soft-hearted.
The Fourth Horseman is Not Saying Unnecessary Words.
Friend and wife marriage is envied by many, despite being separated for years.
They would talk on the phone every day, sharing every detail, from their work to their children’s growth.
It’s not about who changes or who benefits.
Emotional writer once said: “In a relationship, whoever is unhappy should change first, and whoever changes will benefit.”
Respect Is More Important Than Love.
“Any relationship, especially a marriage, requires respect more than love. When you don’t respect each other, the relationship becomes difficult to maintain.”
You should maintain respect and patience, even with the person you’re most familiar with, and make an effort to understand their emotional needs.
Rebuild Trust Between You.
What is trust?
“A feeling of safety, reliability, and trustworthiness towards people and things around you.”
Sit down with your partner, communicate openly, and make a promise to handle your emotions in the future.
Learn to Concede.
I read a passage: “A family needs someone to concede to maintain harmony. If both partners insist on being right, the relationship is doomed.”
Conceding moderately can make the other person feel that you still care about them and the relationship.
Take Care of Yourself.
Someone said: “You should love yourself unconditionally, and love others with boundaries.”
When you use the time you spend complaining about your partner to focus on yourself, you’ll find that everything has changed.
A good marriage is about loving each other repeatedly, and loving yourself is the foundation of love.
May you and your loved one stand together, enjoying the scenery on both banks of the river, and holding hands tightly in the midst of storms.