Recently came across an interesting topic: after a couple’s argument, who should apologize first?
“The person who apologizes first after an argument actually wins.”
“Because during an argument, both individuals are irrational. But as long as it’s not a matter of principle, no matter how intense the argument is, if one person is willing to apologize first, the other person’s anger diminishes. By calming down, rational dialogue can take place, and problems can be resolved.”
Some people agreed:
“Between lovers, there aren’t that many matters of principle. Winning or losing isn’t important, a little ambiguity is fine.”
But others disagreed: “The one who apologizes first is often the one who loves more, but the fear is that the other person won’t understand and will take advantage of it.”
So, Who Should Apologize First After an Argument with a Loved One?
In my view, this is like a “fishbone” in life: a minor issue that requires careful handling. When resolved well, it becomes insignificant; when not, it escalates.
Imagine this scenario: a couple argues, the wife sits in the living room waiting for her husband to come and console her, but after a long wait with no sign of him, she goes to the bedroom to find him sound asleep, seemingly unconcerned.
“My anger just surged up!” Her mind starts to spiral: “Maybe he doesn’t care about me anymore.” “If he’s this indifferent now, how will we get through the days ahead?” “Did I marry the wrong person?” The more she thinks, the sadder she becomes, leading to a sleepless night.
Doesn’t this scene feel familiar to everyone?
Although there may be cases where husbands genuinely don’t care about their wives, more often, this phenomenon is a result of gender differences in thinking.
During an argument, the wife thinks: “Apologizing first shows you love me. Even if I have faults, if you love me, you would be willing to be more tolerant.”
But the husband thinks: “She’s angry now; we can’t resolve anything. Let her calm down, and then we can talk.”
Women focus on feelings, while men focus on results.
This difference often leads to ineffective communication: “Why can’t you comfort me first?” “I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I apologize first?”
Some friends shared being married for over a decade without their husbands ever apologizing. “Many men struggle to say ‘I’m sorry’ due to pride. Our upbringing teaches men to be dominant, where even fists and violence symbolize masculinity, while tears, coquetry, and apologies are seen as signs of weakness, reserved for women.”
Men are conditioned to believe that apologizing makes them appear weak, so even though it may seem like a small matter, there’s a lot more at play behind the act of apologizing.
In reality, partners who are willing to apologize first often share a common trait: they are willing to empathize and sacrifice a part of themselves for the common future of the relationship.
“I care for you, so I’m willing to apologize first.” “I know you struggle with apologies, so I’ll be the one to do it first.” “Since you apologized first last time, let me be the one this time.”
A couple had an argument over a trivial matter. The husband wanted a quick resolution, but the wife, upset, walked away. During the silent treatment, both their emotions subsided. It was then the husband realized that a hug instead of logic might have prevented the argument in the first place. However, due to pride, he didn’t initiate reconciliation. Surprisingly, the wife approached him later, offering him some leftover supper, breaking the ice. They reconciled, realizing the importance of supporting each other during tough times.
In relationships, understanding each other’s communication styles is essential. After being married for ten years, the husband had never said “I’m sorry” after an argument. Instead, he would offer an orange as a peace offering. A friend who used to demand apologies now understands that everyone has their unique way of expressing themselves, and it’s essential to accept that not everyone communicates in the way we expect.
Remember, each partner has a unique “love language.” Understanding these expressions is key to effective communication.
Establish a Cooling-Off Period After Arguments
Emotions can run high during arguments, leading to hurtful words. To minimize the damage caused by fights, agree on a cooling-off period. When an argument starts, at least one person should step back to cool off before resuming the discussion.
Extend an Olive Branch After Calming Down
After an argument, extending an olive branch allows for genuine communication to begin. Apologizing is just one way; you can apologize for your mistakes or initiate a conversation to ease tensions. The method may vary, but offering a way out is crucial.
In conclusion, handling arguments is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy relationship. While apologizing first may seem like a blow to your pride, it ultimately strengthens the bond between partners. Who apologizes first in your relationship, and why? Share your stories in the comments!